I Don't Even Know...

Why, years after I initially wished that I could, can I not manage to be my own person and not care about what others think? I KNOW I'll never lose at least one true friend in my life over it, and if anybody else actually cares wtf I'm doing and thinks it's wrong to be my friend over it, then, regardless of who they are, maybe I'm not actually choosing my friends right in the first place. I think I need a change of scenery, and soon. Not so much physical wise, as I obviously can't get out of Jersey as easily as I sometimes wish I could. But moreso friendship wise. I think I'm spending entirely too much time with the same people and their reactions to things are becoming so much of the same thing that I know what type of reaction is coming most of the time that it's getting to me. I think maybe I need to try to hang out with people I don't get to spend that much time with, and I also need to spend some time on my own, thinking and typing out my feelings, and just getting ahead on the important stuff, such as my schoolwork. My teacher work sample is due next Wednesday, and as such, I need to get it done because I'm sure the college will have power and be open again at that point in time. Another thing: I'm sorry if this entry is vague and confusing, but I feel very confused in general right now, and I wanted to type out the posts somewhere other than my massively large word document that I could go back to and see my progress in a few months or whatnot. When it gets to a point where I both sort of believe yet also am not sure whether to completely trust one of my supposed best friends' opinions on certain people, this is where I know I need to take a step back, and re-evaluate wtf I'm doing with my life right now. There are a few people who I KNOW I don't need to drop as friends, but at the same time with some of them, I also know I need to take ten steps backward and just back off in general for the time being. Because worrying about them, things they've said, and about screwing up my own friendship with them because I'M overthinking everything is not a good idea right now. So, main point, to sum it up for myself and if anybody else even got through and understood this entry; one: back off of most of my friends whom I talk to on a regular basis, save for maybe Christie & my few online friends whom I say hi to whenever I'm online; two: try to hang out with people I don't normally do so with and WANT to do so with, such as my work friends, and make an obvious effort to do so (as long as they do as well, of course); and three: work on myself, both with schoolwork & lesson plans, and also with who exactly I personally want to try to stay friends with and whom I may not want to do so with. Tough decisions, even though writing them out this way makes them seem a lot easier than they actually are, but I WILL get through them. Oh, I also should add a four to that. Four: worry less about what my decisions make other people think, only if I personally think that they're right, and also just stop sometimes and think about what I'm about to say, especially if said statement is about to be completely over emotional because I DIDN'T stop and think first. Just don't OVERTHINK said statement. Okay, now I believe that is all. Thanks for attempting to "listen"/read, if you even did. Not that it matters, this is more for me than anyone else, though if all my EA loves or whoever still sees this DO have any advice, I would love to hear it, though I won't promise to take it lol.