Detaching

So...yeah...unfortunately, tis time for another blogging session for me. I was just venting to Sinda (thanks again <3), however, I need to get this out again. -takes a deep breath-

Umm...first of all, I really think I need to find a way to get some more self-confidence. I have a few ideas, but not many, and I don't know if they'll really help all that much. Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW i'm not ugly. But in my mind, there's not much more to my looks than that. I want to believe when everybody says I'm pretty, beautiful, or in Claudii's word's, sexy, to name a few, but I just can't. I wish I could. That's part of my problem lately, I think.

Another thing...now, first of all, don't get me wrong, I know the people that matter (you all know who you are) love me. I know they do. But, if I, for instance, get disincluded in something, get ignored for a tiny bit (not even ignored-just, ME feeling like they forgot i was there or something), I don't know. I just...for some reason I get sad and half depressed and I kind of automatically detach myself for the time being and will start texting someone else, or something of the like to distract me and get my mind off of it. I really need to find a way to stop doing this. Because, like I said, I know everyone loves me. I just think that me not having much self-confidence maybe carries over to this category and makes me think I'm not always as loved as I want to be, and makes me feel stupid and annoying when I'm being dumb especially. Fyi, for anybody that does this to me, that's why if I get teased or your making fun, occasionally I will get defensive and/or upset. Don't think I don't know your kidding-but-at times, I guess my mind half thinks you aren't.

I really, REALLY think a nice (even short) vacation with one or more of my best friends would do the trick right now. I think I need to get away from my family drama and from drama in general. However, the only thing that I have def. planned (minus knowing WHEN and WHERE we're going) is me and Sami's Canada roadtrip. The problem with that is that neither of us have the money to do that right now. I really wish we did. I need to win the lottery, which is hard to do when I'm not playing it. -sigh- I just don't wanna be in my house any more with my mom how she's been. (maybe I should go into that too, huh?)

Well, let's see...she's back with her douchebag boyfriend, Ken. And umm...he's STILL taking precendence over me. Now, I know I have the option of moving in with my dad full time-at this point, I think it would be better than with my mom. However, my brother supposedly wants to do the same thing. So here's the problem-if we BOTH leave her, Ken's going to win. Ken's going to have total control over her, and I will probably completely lose my mother-well-not so much my mother as the person that my mother WAS and used to be. The one I got along with so much more often, the one that was one of my best friends in the world. (on a side note-lovely now I'm crying AGAIN) I think everything's adding up a lot lately, and it's just killing me. I need to make some major decisions and I can't bring myself to do it. I have a "what if" for every single one, it seems.

Anyway, that's my venting for the night I suppose. Sorry if I've been being an annoying, depressive bitch lately but I really need to figure out why I'm feeling like this and knock it off. I really do love and appreciate you all (again, you know who you are-not gonna name you) and I hope you feel the same.